“Jesus was frankly a big disappointment to me,” said God in a recent interview. “I hated his faggy friends, there was too much turning water into wine when the going got tough, and his bitch Mary Magdalene was a fuckin’ ho’, to be blunt. She had three abortions (imagine if the Son of God had had a Son! Or a daughter!) and was always putting down Judea and wanting to move to France. Jesse whined endlessly about the fucking crucifixion. I admit the Ascension was pretty impressive, although it was just a variation on the Rope Trick he’d learned in India.”
According to insiders, the real split came because Dad had always preferred armed rebellion to his Son’s peace and love plans: “The boy was just too much of a fucking Ferdinand to get behind that notion. He didn’t understand that Earth was one world among many, that this was just a beginning. Baby steps, you know? He could have been someone…” said former colleague, D. Thomas, of Florida.
Reached at his home in Boca Raton, Jesus said: “All that was a long time ago. I lost all branding rights at Nicaea – they wouldn’t even let me speak at the opening ceremonies. No copyright, no Royalties (we call them Dieties, of course), can’t put the cross on my letterhead, nothing. They use a Swedish or Welsh guy’s face instead of mine in all their artwork. I’ve tried for a comeback a few times, but people are so cynical now… I’ve really had to move on and find forgiveness, which hasn’t been easy.”
Jesus hasn’t spoken to his father in ages, and according to some, he’s actually been disinherited. “I’ve had to go into business for myself,” he said. “RC Merchandising overlooked the niche market in Mom’s tears, so we’ve made a little money there. But anyone with a chemistry set can make them, and the formula’s all over the fucking internet.”
Satan, who actually rules the Universe, said, “Fucking losers, all of them!” and declined further comment.